Who's afraid of the big bad Panic!

 One of the tools for dealing with my panic and anxiety disorder is to challenge myself by stepping outside of my own "safety box". 

 To challenge myself by leaving my comfort zone is not only frightening but often it is completely paralyzing. 

 "If I stay in my room, in my bed, in my house, nothing bad is going to happen". But in fact, nothing happens at all. That's the problem. This is not a good plan. Especially if I intend to live past my 50th birthday! You see nothing changes, if nothing changes. 

 Sometimes I feel if I leave my bed, my room, my house, I will have a panic attack and completely freak out and possibly die. These thoughts and fears supersede my motivation. It's this intense fear that holds me back. My fear is my roadblock. I'm not lazy, I'm just fucking scared shitless!

 My fear is brutal, it controls every fiber of my being. however I've been taking tiny little baby steps, I've been getting out of bed more often, I've been doing things in my room, i've been leaving the house, i've been making plans and sometimes I even follow through with them! And you you guessed it, I haven't died yet! 

 Some of the time I do just fine but some of the time I have those horrid panic attacks. I don't know if you experience panic attacks like I do but they are the most frightening experiences in the world. I feel like I am dying and I have no control over myself. I just have to run away, get out, and often, I just have to panic, right there where I am, in front of the whole world. It stinks to be stuck in a place where panic controls your every move. 

 Now, throw in severe anxiety, manic depression, low self esteem, and a chemical bi-polar disorder and you've got a very scared little girl fighting to keep her life headed in a positive direction.

  I keep fighting and challenging myself mostly because I want to live a normal life again but partly because it beats the alternative, web surfing "suicide ideas for dummies".

 Breaking the chain of fear is hard. It's so-so hard. It's even harder when your fix-it tools are broken and your repair manual is written in Farsi!