49 and approaching the half century!

Well here I am, a few days past my 49th birthday with a new perspective on life. While I ascend to my half century I have decided to be the "positive fairy". I have spread my positive fairy wings and sprinkled my positive fairy dust everywhere I go. You know something.....my new outlook on life actually helps me feel a whole lot happier! However, I'm certain the plethora of positive affirmations I constantly spew annoys the shit out of everyone else!!!

I had a euphoric two and a half weeks with the new drugs. I was certain I would never cry again nor would I ever have another anxiety attack or panic attack in public. Ughhh...wrong. But with that said, I noticed when I cried it was a normal cry and I got over it. I also have cried far fewer times. I still have anxiety but I'm not busting out of my skin. I haven't had a serious panic attack either so what I'm beginning to understand is perhaps I needed medication to help make me feel just.... Well....normal. Like everyone else who sometimes feels sad and sometimes feels happy. I'm past the side effect stage which was just a bit of exhaustion. Oh yeah... I have Fibromyalgia too so exhaustion and I are old friends. 

I had a conversation with a dear friend this week who asked me why I haven't fallen apart into a million billion little pieces. I explained to her that I am delicately held together with glue that's not quite dry yet. She asked me, " is it CRAZY glue". I replied. " Yeah, for now it's crazy glue, but I'm working towards SUPER glue". 

Because I Have to!

"Because I have to" is becoming an important mantra in my life. Sometimes. I don't feel I am really ready to go out and live my life to the fullest for fear of having another panic attack in public, but I do because I have to. Sometimes I don't want to get out of my bed because my world is scary and the anxiety is skin crawling, but I do because I have to. Sometimes I'm very happy and sometimes I'm very sad and I don't want to take all of these crazy medications, but I do because I have to. You see the pattern here?  I push myself to the limit, but I do it because I have to. I don't always succeed at my tasks but a true survivor hurtles the obstacles and does whatever it takes to beat the odds. I do this every day, why? because I have to!

Who's afraid of the big bad Panic!

 One of the tools for dealing with my panic and anxiety disorder is to challenge myself by stepping outside of my own "safety box". 

 To challenge myself by leaving my comfort zone is not only frightening but often it is completely paralyzing. 

 "If I stay in my room, in my bed, in my house, nothing bad is going to happen". But in fact, nothing happens at all. That's the problem. This is not a good plan. Especially if I intend to live past my 50th birthday! You see nothing changes, if nothing changes. 

 Sometimes I feel if I leave my bed, my room, my house, I will have a panic attack and completely freak out and possibly die. These thoughts and fears supersede my motivation. It's this intense fear that holds me back. My fear is my roadblock. I'm not lazy, I'm just fucking scared shitless!

 My fear is brutal, it controls every fiber of my being. however I've been taking tiny little baby steps, I've been getting out of bed more often, I've been doing things in my room, i've been leaving the house, i've been making plans and sometimes I even follow through with them! And you you guessed it, I haven't died yet! 

 Some of the time I do just fine but some of the time I have those horrid panic attacks. I don't know if you experience panic attacks like I do but they are the most frightening experiences in the world. I feel like I am dying and I have no control over myself. I just have to run away, get out, and often, I just have to panic, right there where I am, in front of the whole world. It stinks to be stuck in a place where panic controls your every move. 

 Now, throw in severe anxiety, manic depression, low self esteem, and a chemical bi-polar disorder and you've got a very scared little girl fighting to keep her life headed in a positive direction.

  I keep fighting and challenging myself mostly because I want to live a normal life again but partly because it beats the alternative, web surfing "suicide ideas for dummies".

 Breaking the chain of fear is hard. It's so-so hard. It's even harder when your fix-it tools are broken and your repair manual is written in Farsi! 

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes!

This month brings huge changes. I am beginning to venture out of my comfort zone and I thought I'd take a huge leap of faith and tackle several big issues at one time. Uncharacteristically of my usually cowardly self, I've decided I am ready for some changes. 

I've enrolled in an eight-week smoking cessation class starting next Tuesday, likewise I will also begin a volunteer position with Jewish Family Services a few hours a week. I am also changing psychiatrists at the request of my therapist who hopes we can get some better med management. And lastly, I've started driving here and there. I'm not to frightened driving around home and it feels less scary, I'm not quite ready for the freeway but I can certainly drive locally. Don't worry, I'll Facebook all of you if I'm in your neighborhood in case you want to stay off the roads!  

Whew!! That is a lot of stuff all at once, but you know, I don't think it's more than I can handle, in fact I feel pretty good about it. 

I have three-weeks left of physical therapy.  It seems to be working well and surgery for the Thoracic Outlet is likely off the table, every pun intended!!! Although I refer to them as physical terrorist, I am grateful for all their hard work which seems to be making a difference. God knows the idea of a knife to my chest is a huge motivator for working extra hard in therapy! So I think I'll let them torture me a little longer!

Overall I am holding out optimistic these big changes will bring big results. I will continue to welcome the changes, after all I am the change!!!